i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
