haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
