The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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