I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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