yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Randomize
