hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
