I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
