the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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