btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
