How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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