Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
