my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Randomize
