So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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