I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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