doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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