I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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