actually, I'm a sock model
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
