So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
