Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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