there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
