Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
