so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just googled if crying burns calories
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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