I think my fart just growled at me.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
