just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
