Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
