I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
