this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
