the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
