i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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