I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
