I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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