So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
