bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
They are going to name an STD after you.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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