Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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