its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
