okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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