I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
