Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
