I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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