my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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