Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
