moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Sober January is a disaster.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
