i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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