i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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