Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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