Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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