Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
