My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
BRING THE BAGELS
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
