The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
