Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
