First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
