um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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