when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
