I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
