I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You made out with two different species that night
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
