i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
