Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
