Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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