All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize