he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
