my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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