I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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