So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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