It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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