Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
